Blog | Talking to Youth Leader Volunteers About Boundaries

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Youth ministry is designed to be a safe and nurturing space for students to encounter God, discover themselves, and develop meaningful friendships. These years are formative, the environment is fun, wholesome, and sacred.

One of the most important relationships young people have are with trusted, supportive adults. Data from the National Survey of Children’s Health shows that “having one or more caring adults in a child’s life increases the likelihood that they will flourish, and become productive adults themselves.” While this includes a child’s parents, well-being increases exponentially when a mentor figure is involved personally in a young person’s life, such as a teacher, coach, or a youth leader. This research tells us something we already know: youth ministry matters beyond the frivolous games, peer camaraderie, and cool worship band. The bonds our students build with their leaders helps them grow into their resilience, confidence, and leadership.

These vulnerable relationships between youth and youth leaders are priceless. And while the vulnerability offers value, without structure and boundaries it can also be dangerous. Intimate relationships between any adult and minor require stringent boundaries and accountability to protect our youth. Even in the church? Especially in the church.

Tragically, sexual misconduct and abuse is an enduring problem in the evangelical church. Also unfortunately, it’s difficult to understand just how much of a problem it is. In the Washington Post article called “The Sin of Silence: The epidemic of denial about sexual abuse in the evangelical church” Joshua Peace reports that:

“diagnosing the scope of the problem [sexual abuse in church] isn’t easy, because there’s no hard data. The most commonly referenced study shows how difficult it is to find accurate statistics . . . in other words, the research doesn’t include what is certainly the vast majority of sexual abuse.”

It’s tempting to think that nothing like this could be happening in your church. No matter how small your church, how well everyone knows everyone, and what great rapport you have with your leaders, you can never truly know what’s happening behind closed doors. Religion News says,
“it is critical to note that this abuse is no less prevalent within the faith community. In fact, there are studies that demonstrate that the faith community is even more vulnerable to abuse than secular environments. The Abel and Harlow study revealed that 93% of sex offenders describe themselves as “religious” and that this category of offender may be the most dangerous. Other studies have found that sexual abusers within faith communities have more victims and younger victims.”

Other research corroborates these reports, clarifying that “the overwhelming majority (80.1%) of offenders were employed in an official capacity within their respective churches” with youth ministers 31.4% of that number and youth volunteers at 8.3%. These numbers are sobering and the personal stories accompanied with them are harrowing. In order to protect your students, thorough vetting and on-going accountability needs to be normal and vigilant in your youth ministry’s culture as you onboard and train your leaders.

As a youth pastor, you’re responsible not only for your own behavior but with holding your leaders and volunteers accountable to responsible, safe boundaries with your students. If you don’t already have qualifications and guidelines in place to enforce proper behavior and boundaries for your youth staff, today is the day to start. Here are 6 things to think about as you begin speaking with your leaders about how to set and maintain boundaries with their students.

Enforce a physical touch policy.

No one should ever feel uncomfortable by how they are being touched and physical touch between youth and leaders should always be approached with caution. Touch, however, isn’t always malicious. Some examples of appropriate touching could be gentle pats on the shoulders or back, high-fives and fist-bumps, or side-hugs.

Inappropriate touching, unless it’s something obvious like kissing, groping, or touching private areas, is harder to define because it’s so dependent on context. In this case, hard and fast rules about touch won’t always guarantee safe boundaries. Your leaders must be able to hold themselves and each other accountable to their actions. A good rule of thumb is if you’re not sure if something is appropriate, don’t do it at all.

Set up parameters for communication.

Communication, while less obvious than touch, can be just as intimate and even more secretive. If your youth ministry doesn’t have a policy around how leaders should communicate with students, it will serve you to provide your team with parameters for what is and is not appropriate. Studies show that youth leaders communicate with their students more than a youth pastor may be aware. Some ground rules that could help might be no 1:1 messaging between a student and a leader and no messaging after certain hours. Visibility and transparency is key here and can help prevent inappropriately intimate conversations from taking place.

Never be alone with a student.

Just like communication, it might be wise to consider instituting a “never alone” policy between youth leaders and students. Whether it’s alone at church, a car, or another location entirely, being alone with another student is a potentially dangerous context. By ensuring to never be alone with a student helps keep everyone safe.

De-stigmatize asking for help.

If a leader feels attraction toward a student, they are likely to feel shame about it. Shame makes us hide and turn inward and, as we’ve discussed about touch and communication, being alone is a dangerous place to be, even if it’s just with ourselves. While the attraction itself is not a sin, acting on it and nurturing it is. The stigma around asking for help is one of the main factors that allows this sin to continue and flourish in our culture.

If we want to create a culture in our ministry that repels sexual abuse and protects our youth, we need to make sure our leaders feel comfortable asking for help. If your team feels comfortable seeking help, you can often prevent harm and determine the best step forward. Depending on the circumstances, it might make sense for a leader to remove themselves from that specific relationship or step down from their role in the youth ministry altogether for the student’s safety. A leader need not be defined or condemned for their attraction, but the student must be protected first and foremost.

On the other side of things, if a student comes to you because one of your leaders is making them uncomfortable, or worse, has already crossed a line and abused them, it’s your duty to believe them and report your leader.

So what happens when . . .

A student is the one flirting? It’s natural for teenagers to have crushes. And who’s more attractive than a mature, spiritual leader who cares about them and gives them authentic attention? If a student is trying to communicate with or touch you inappropriately, it’s your responsibility as a leader to know how to set a firm, clear boundary without shaming the student.

Whether it’s touch or communications, sometimes students are the ones initiating inappropriate contact. Students develop strong emotional and spiritual bonds with their mentors and, like most humans, they often want to express their affection with hugs and high-fives.

While often this is perfectly benign, it’s important to be mindful of if a student is flirting with you and attempting to cross a boundary. It is your responsibility to firmly establish boundaries around how it’s appropriate to engage, like side hugs or fist bumps in lieu of hugs altogether. Likewise, they might be the ones messaging you at odd hours or with unexpected intimacy. Don’t return their messages until daylight hours and make it clear what you will and will not speak with them about. If things are getting out of hand and you’re not sure how to best proceed, consult your own leader for guidance.

Screen thoroughly before onboarding new leadership.

Preventive action can work wonders in only letting safe adults in your ministry. Some guidelines to consider are:

– 6th month rule – Only allow adults that have been members of your church for at least 6 months apply to be youth leaders. If a sexual predator wants access to youth, it’s unlikely they’ll be willing to wait six months at a random church to do so.

– Written application – A written application allows you to understand why an applicant is interested in volunteering in your youth ministry. You can see if they align with your culture and mission for the ministry.

– References – Just like a potential employer, it’s helpful to understand how other people perceive your applicants and how they might function in other areas of their lives.

– Personal interview – In the personal interview, you can get a sense of how they act and react. You have the opportunity to ask them questions about how they’d handle uncomfortable situations like being left alone with a student or if a student is flirting with them.

– Background check – If an applicant has any prior history, it might not appear in references, a written application, or an interview. It will, however, show in a background check. No matter how perfect an applicant may seem, the screening process isn’t complete without a background check.

Your team of youth volunteers deserve the resources and training to help them best support your students. They should never be afraid to ask for help or how to navigate difficult situations or conversations with the youth in your ministry. While it may be uncomfortable at first, by starting these conversations with your leaders early and continuing them often, you’re providing them the support they need to make a meaningful and same impact in your ministry.